Hello all, when it comes to film there are some things I bloody love. One thing I bloody love is trailers. I have previously spoke about my love for these beautiful things, and feel free to read the article all over again if you scroll way down below (or, if you're lazy, click here http://innaprop-rate.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/i-bloody-love-movie-trailers-but-should.html). But the other thing bloody I love is lists. I bloody love movie related lists.
I don’t know why I love lists, I just really really do. Maybe it’s the
thrill of slowly making your way to the top of the pile. You edge your way closer and
closer to the pinnacle of the point; each level teases you to think what the
next might be. Oh, the tension, what might it be...
….
Sorry, lost myself there for a bit. Maybe it's just as simple as I just like to know what the best is. This could be related to the fact that I love reading people's reviews to see where everything stands - or maybe it's just a crippling inferiority complex. I am always curious to
see what other people rate and just how high they rate. If you are unfortunate enough to be
friends with me I have probably asked you what your favorite move is. I’m not
stuck for conversation or anything (most of the time) I am just genuinely interested to see what
you regard as the best. I know! I am genuinely that sad. Crazy.
So with these little pointers in mind I am presenting you with a list. Actually, scrub that, I am presenting you with 'the list' (delusions of grandeur here we go). And a
great list to start with - The coolest weapons in movies. Ever. Now keep in mind
these are not the best weapons ever. No no. The coolest. So why the coolest as
opposed to best? Well, best would be to all over the place. Best for a large
scale attack, best for a covert kill, best in close quarters etc….. no no,
these are the coolest weapons… the weapons you wish you had at your side cause it
would make your dick feel about 10 times bigger (or the equivalent if you are woman - I would not dare hazard a guess). The weapon you wish you had at
your side where all you would have to do is point at said weapon and any would-be
mugger would instantly back off and instantly want to be your friend cause you
were so frickin’ cool. The weapon you pretended you had when you were a kid
when you ran round supermarket making the appropriate noises while your parents
chased helplessly after you.
All three things still happen to me today (also, when I go to a supermarket I always wave my hand before I go through the automatic doors to
make me feel like a Jedi...yep), so with that in mind I have racked my brain
vigorously and repeatedly to come up with the best list I can. Set your
expectations to stun
11) Fifth Element – ZF-1
When you positively, absolutely have to kill every
motherfucker in the room in a multitude of different ways and still look good
in the process due to the fact it has been designed by Jean Paul Gautier, then
here is your gun of choice. It’s just got everything! Inspired by the AK47-u, the
dial has been cranked all the way to 11 with this homicidal beast. You have bullets that remember their target
(although if you’ve hit the unlucky son of a bitch, which I presumed you have, and
subsequently killed him why would you need to keep on hitting him?), missiles,
flame thrower, net gun and freezer - It’s the equivalent of a Swiss Army knife in
gun form. Is every feature on this gun necessary? Hell no. But do we want it?
Hell yes!
10) Men in Black – Noisy Cricket
Big things come in small packages. This gun would be worth
carrying around just to amaze people. Imagine the scene: You’re in car park
when you see an unruly gang approach you. They have numerous tattoos and one of
the members of the gang seems to be from an ethnic minority – shit’s about to
go down. It doesn’t look like they’re the type that can be put off with some
choice dance moves either like Michael Jackson’s video for Bad would have you
believe. You’re gonna have to show them who is boss. Show them who’s boss… in
style! No not the dance moves again. If you pull out any other gun yes they
would run away, but would they respect you? No. Pull this little bundle of joy
out and they would all piss themselves laughing. But herein lies the beauty.
Aim it at their Vauhxall Calibra and pull the trigger. The resulting explosion
would only be matched by their collective jaws hitting the ground. Take that
evil.
9) Scarface - “Little Friend” aka M161A with M203 Grenade
Launcher
This gun loses a few places on my list because we see it in
so many other mediums, but it’s a testament to the film Scarface that people will
always relate the gun to this film. And so they bloody well should. Look how
many people he takes out with it! A gun is meant to be empowering, it’s meant
to make you feel like the man. Such is the power of this gun that in the end he
just fucks it off and stands there taking bullets while he screams obscenities
at his enemies – how’s that for empowerment!? Yes it might have something to do
with the copious amount of coke he has running through his veins but I think
given half the chance he would have had no hesitations in shooting at the bad
guys while at the same time ramming some poor unfortunate blonde from behind
over the bannister. She would of loved
it though. Women love power. And guns.
And cock. Apparently. I wouldn't know.
8) Indiana Jones – Bullwhip
Crack that whip! Ye-ha that’s some good cracking! I nearly
left this off the list, but when I think back to my younger days, there were
few people cooler than Dr. Jones. And the whip is synonymous with him. This
weapon is practical as well. I know, practical really isn’t cool, but when that
practicality allows you to swing over gaping crevices, or allows you to pull in
women with heaving bosoms then that sounds pretty cool in my book.
7) Eraser – EM-1 Rail Gun with variable magnification X-Ray
scope
Serious piece of kit this. Not only do the projectiles it
fires moves at the speed of light, not only does it have a scope that means you
can see through walls and skin, but it also automatically targets the heart.
And not the metaphorical heart either in a bid to demoralise the enemy
(although it probably does that too), the actual heart. Need to kill someone at
a distance? Then this is probably your best bet. Need to see if anyone has any
broken bones? Then use this. But I’d recommend going to the hospital too just
to be safe. Take the gun to be extra safe.
6) Predator – Shoulder Cannon
The lazy man’s gun of choice. Yes the Predator looks pretty
ripped and agile but he doesn’t have to be with this thing attached to him. If
you were to attach this to Stephen Hawking then you’ve got one hell of a
dangerous man in a wheel chair. And a creationist’s nightmare. Pushing the
image of Stephen Hawking dressed up as the Predator out of my mind, this weapon
really is cool. Accompanied with the thermal imaging system imbedded within the
Predators helmet and the tripartite laser targeting system, it’s a formidable piece of kit. Lots of kills
with minimal effort? This would be the gun the Fonz chooses. And Stephen
Hawking.
5) Kill Bill – Hatori Hanzo blade.
I think the main reason I like this weapon is the mystical
nature of it all. The very mention of it to the right person is enough to stop
them dead in their tracks in the movies. It wasn’t just a sword that everyman
and his dog would have – you had to be someone pretty special to have one. Like
the best of the best assassin to have one. Then there is the presentation of
it. This isn’t just something you’d ask for in a special shop with a Japanese
man handing it to you with a ‘ta-da!’ This took time and effort to create from
the master of sword making. Also, the music when you hear when you first witness the swords
let you know that if Jesus had to choose a sword, then this would be the type
of sword he would choose. And it was rightly seen as priceless. I haven’t even
mentioned the kind of damage it can do! Which is plentiful to say the least.
This is the coolest of all the cool swords. Sorry Aragorn.
I’ve looked and I’ve looked and I’ve looked and I cannot
find a video of this online. Anywhere! Which is really not good because out of
all the guns on here this is probably the one that has been seen the least. And
if I just tell you about it, it doesn’t sound that good. Predator has a disc,
he throws it at things, it then cuts through the things, and then it comes back
to him. Like a boomerang. And boomerangs aren’t cool, Australians use them. And
as we all know Australians are not cool. I’m gonna have to take this one off
the list. But I’m leaving the passage in because when you see it in the film it
looks so FUCKING cool and probably has the coolest death scene created by any
of the weapons on here. Boo.
4) Predator – Ol’ Painless aka modified M134 Minigun
This gun is usually found on the side of helicopters. The
creators of this weapon did not mean it to be carried by the mortal hands of
men. The creators obviously didn’t count on Jesse Ventura. The gun had to go through many modifications
just so Jesse was able to pick up the damn thing. Then a battery had to be
attached for it to spin (the power cable goes down Jesse’s trousers - no jokes please). And then
it had to have its fire rate reduced so the camera could pick up the barrels
spinning. All this makes you think, “Is it actually worth it?” And I would
answer you with, “Yes. Yes it is”
3) Ghostbusters – Proton Pack
In my formative years, up until the age of about 8, this was
the weapon that I would run around pretending I had. Then my parents bought me
the toy. And I don’t think I actually took it off from that point (bath days were akward, nothing to do with the packs my dad used to dress up as a sailor when he bathed me). No you
weren’t going to kill anyone with it (although I’m sure if you fired it at
someone they are probably not going to be too happy with you – if they are
still capable of that emotion after being shot) but if you had this weapon you would be a
Ghostbuster. And there were few occupations to an 8 year old boy that were
cooler than that. So much so that this weapon has a place on the list for the
eight year old in all of us. But not for all of us in an eight year old boy.
Cause that’s just wrong.
As a disclaimer: I didn’t want two guns on from the same
movie – because the list would get real old real fast. Having to bend that rule
for Predator, I did it because the guns were so different – yet these guns
occupy kind of the same place. In the end I gave the mantle to the more iconic
of the two, the Pulse Rifle. Even
though the Smartgun has an automatic targeting system, and arguably the user
has to adopt a cooler stance when using it – the Pulse Rifle is a gun for all
seasons. If I am playing laser quest I pretend I have this
gun. If I play paintball I pretend I have this gun. If I have to go down the
corridor to the toilet at work I pretend I have this gun. The characters who
use it, the noise it makes, the damage it deals all culminates in me feeling
very excited when I think about it. And no, not the normal “to be enjoyed in
front of everyone” excited. It’s so so cool that there was one to buy in a shop
that cost £1000 which I nearly bought. Because who needs clothes or food when
you have a Pulse Rifle (replica).
1)
Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace/Star
Wars: Episode 2 – Attack of the Clones/Star Wars: Episode 3 – Revenge of the
Sith/Star Wars: Episode 4 – A New Hope/Star Wars: Episode 5 The Empire
Strikes Back/Star Wars: Episode 6 – Return of the Jedi – The Lightsaber.
Was it really going to be anything else? An elegant weapon
for a more civilised age - this weapon is not just about the weapon. Oh no. It’s what the weapon stands for. If
you had this, you would be a Jedi Knight – a protector of the galaxy. If
someone happened to spy this hanging from your belt they would instantly know
you are the shit. Not like a gun where you could be some soldier, or some scientist, hell you could of even of
stolen the thing. With this you were the absolute balls. You had two dicks. The proton pack was my favourite
until I was aged 8, because at the age of 8 I watched The Empire Strikes Back
for the first time. From that moment I would be hanging off sofas staring at
whatever object I was pretending to be my Lightsaber, willing it to fly into my outstretched
hand – any Jedi should be able to do that.
I was running around deflecting laser blasts, making the noises and
battling the Sith. No that doesn’t sound particularly cool, but the whole
reason we find this kind of stuff cool is because it appeals to our
imagination. Like I said earlier, these weapons appeal to the kids still inside
us, that’s what makes the things cool (did I mention cool?). That’s what makes it cool to me anyway.
And it’s a fair reflection on me that my two favourite weapons come from my two
favourite films – and my two favourite films are basically glorified kids
movies. That’s why I love cinema… It’s probably a good thing I never had one
because I probably wouldn’t have any limbs left now, but the £40 I spent on my
replica Lightsaber when I went to Toys R Us is probably the best £40 I’ve ever
spent. Yep I have no life.
Honourable mentions: Blade’s sword and gun. The Elder Wand
(sorry Sarah). Dirty Harry’s Magnum. Army of Darkness’ Boomstick & Chainsaw. Kaneda's laser. Robocop's Auto-9 gun. Terminator's grenade launcher. Casey Jones Hockey Stick (thanks Rimmer). Anton Chigurh's Cattle Gun (thanks Bret). Oddjob's Hat (thanks John), Bear Jew's baseball bat (thanks John again).
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