Decent films to watch this week (12/11/12)

The nights are drawing in, it’s cold outside, and everyone is getting ill. Christmas is close, but it’s not close enough to get excited, yet it is close enough to start thinking about all the money you’re about to spend i.e. it’s a pretty shit time of the year.

You’re probably expecting me to say how I’ve got loads of films to make you feel better.

Nope, they are shit too.

Let’s all get drunk.

Here are the recommendations for the week.

 

Monday

Training Day (2001) ITV1 11.05pm

What’s this? Training Day? On a Monday night?! Oh man, this is awesome. Screw my depressed opening, frickin’ Training Day is on. Two problems:

a)      You’ve probably seen it before. You probably even have it on DVD.

b)      It really goes against why I do this blog, I’m meant to be drawing your attention to new films.

Well to answer your valid enquiries Mr or Mrs Smarty-pants, a) Everyone knows films are better on TV and b) there’s not much on today. Plus it’s a Monday, and Mondays are crap; this is the perfect film to get into bed in with and forget about the day – just be prepared to stay up 1.15am cause you know you won’t be able to stop watching once you start.

Escape from New York (1981) ITV4 11.05pm

Want to see one of the coolest bad asses in movie cinema history? Of course you do – enter Kurt Russell. Kurt is Snake Plisken and, as mentioned, he is the coolest bad ass going. So much so that when the President crashes into a maximum security facility there is only one bloke to send in to go and get him… Yep, the coolest bad etc. Great action film from John Carpenter, do yourself a favour and watch it.

Liar, Liar (1997) Universal 9pm

“Here she comes to wreck the dayyyyyyyy!” A Jim Carey vehicle that is remembered fondly by most of us, I’m putting it on here as it is tucked away on Universal and it’s always good for a giggle.

Submarine (2010) FILM4 9pm

I recommended this the other day but, as previously mentioned, it is a quiet day for movies. Regardless of that, I’d still recommend it again because I think not enough people have watched this and it’s one of the best English comedies I have seen in a while. It’s populated with wonderfully entertaining characters and has a raw, quirky vibe going throughout. The film follows Oliver, a very peculiar young man who is obsessed with losing his virginity and rescuing the marriage of his parents. Watch and savour.

Tuesday

Tyrannosaur (2011) FILM4 11.05pm

If you like your films English, gritty and so depressing you need to make sure the room you’re watching the film in has no sharp objects in it, then here you go. Paddy Considine’s directorial  debut, it follows  a down and outer played with amazing gusto by Peter Mullan as he inadvertently stumbles upon a means of redemption. It’s extremely well made with very fleshed out characters – which makes it all the more hard to watch. Despite not being the happiest of films about, it’s quality is undeniable.

Swingers (1996) Sky Comedy 11.30pm

One of my favourite films which occupies a very special place in my heart and I find it criminal more people have not watched it. Starring a very young Jon Favereau and Vince Vaughan, this film follows a bunch lads try and make it big in Los Angeles, while giving a good insight into just what does make blokes tick. Very clever and heart-warming, if I am ever down about my lot in life this is the film that I can put on which I know will cheer me up. Which isn’t very often. Cause I’m class.

Who am I kidding I watch it weekly goddamn it.

Wednesday

Erin Brockovich (2000) CH 5 9pm

What a shocker, I haven’t seen this. It’s such a chick flick! Albeit an intelligent one… apparently (intelligent chick flick... oxymoron?). I know I don’t have an excuse, and trust me I’ll be watching it (with “I’m Every Woman” playing in the background), but in the meantime here is Empire Online’s review.

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?FID=5706

Argo (2012) Cinema

This week continues its slim pickin’s, but not to worry it gives you an opportunity to get down the cinema and see the film that has apparently completed a hat-trick of awesome films for one Ben Affleck – who’d of thought this 10 years ago? Not me, that’s for sure. I will be using the wonderful Orange Wednesdays to make sure I catch this and I recommend you do too. If my recommendation is not enough then please take into consideration that it got an “A+” from Cinemascore, which, believe me, does not happen often.

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?FID=137302

Thursday

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) ITV2 11.30pm

Woah woah woah, hold the bloody horses - this is a great little film here which bucks the trend for the poor showing we’ve witnessed this week. This film is by Shane Black and he is the fine gentlemen who brought us Lethal Weapon and will soon be bringing the latest Iron Man to the silver screen. The main reason he is seen as so awesome is his quick fire dialogue which is as sharp as it is funny.  The story is a bit all over the place – Robert Downey Jr. plays a thief, who then becomes an actor, who then becomes a detective. Throw in Val Kilmer as a gay private eye and you got yourself a movie! Sit back and enjoy a film that’s enjoying itself as much as you are – in a pretentious kind of way, because it knows how smart it is: which means you can watch it with a smug smile too cause in doing so it automatically makes you better than other people.

The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951) More4 11.10am

Well, what another pleasant surprise for everyone, one of the most important science fiction films of all time. This film rescued a genre that was in trouble of descending into permanent b-movie madness. This film arguably lit the blue touch paper for sci-fi to become one of the most expressive forms of medium in cinema which would be fully utilised by the great directors of countless generations to convey both their dreams and fears. The film tells the story of a pair of aliens who land on earth after the Second World War in order to save humanity, will their message be heard? And what lengths will they have to go to for us to understand?

Friday

The Fifth Element (1997) 5* 9pm

I really do love this film, it’s a great sci-fi flick that has Bruce Willis, Gary Oldman and Chris Tucker in great form (although my last pick is a little controversial).  This film is all kinds of fun because it keeps the action coming thick and fast, all the while combining it with an amazing visual style which is inspired by Blade Runner just as much as it is inspired by the catwalk (Jean-Paul Gautier helped design the costumes). Bruce is sardonic, Gary is crazy and Milla Jovovic is looking fine as… so just whack it on and whack one off.

The Master (2012) Cinema

And so the weekend’s arrival reflects pretty much what’s gone on the rest of the week – not a lot. But never fear there are options. You’ve got Silence of the Lambs on TCM at 1am, Pulp Fiction on Sky Modern Greats at 10pm orrrrrrrrrr you can do something out of left field and see this new release from Paul Thomas Anderson (Boogie Nights, There Will Be Blood etc.). It’s about an ex-soldier (Joaquin Phoenix) who falls into a life of drifting after the Second World War only to be rescued by enigmatic cult leader, Lancaster Dodd (Phillip Seymour Hoffman). All this should make you want to watch it very much, but if you still need convincing how about a 5 star from Empire Online. Oh no he didn’t.

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?FID=137629

 

Decent film to watch this week (5/11/12)

You may notice there is a particular film I have focused on this week. It's a subtle thing, nothing to worry about. It's just... Never mind. It's nothing really. But lot's of great films to choose from nonetheless, even though there is one that perhaps you should check out... Up to you though. It's there if you need it. Take it. Or leave it.

Which ever...

Ok, I may of wrote a poem...

Actually, to be more precise, a limerick.

Ahem...

There was a man call Ryan,

Who made a man called Chris start cryin'

Chris swears he's not gay,

Despite what people say,

Even though Gosling on screen wearing a suit makes Chris weak at the kneews because he look's so frickin' cool, it's like ridiculous....look at him! I wish I could wear suits all the time, life would be so much cooler! And how mint is his pad? Ridiculous. Oh and I am definitely joining a gym this week to get abs like that... and practicing Dirty Dancing moves cause I bet that would actually work. Should really finish this poem (limerick) off, erm... Lion.

Monday

Crazy Stupid Love (2011) Sky Premier 8pm

Yes, I might have recommended this last week, but it’s a really nice film. Like really really nice. And it appeals to both sexes: men want to be Ryan Gosling and women want to be with Ryan Gosling. It’s sweet, it’s funny, it’s a little sexy; and it’s about a family man who loses his wife then goes on a downward spiral of depression only to be rescued by Jacob – the aforementioned Ryan Gosling. Did I mention Ryan? He is the film basically, he is the reason why you will love it, but he is supported by a very capable cast who all perform well, in particular Steve Carell as the lovable loser. I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t like this film yet after watching it, so just go ahead and do it. Oh how I love it…

Bring It On (2000) 5* 9pm

Right, will have to choose some more manly films after this because this together with the man crush I have on Ryan Gosling and accompanied by about a million other pieces of evidence and I may as well just invite the Village People over now for a bikini wax marathon. But for now let’s enjoy the silliness that is Kirsten Dunst’s Bring it On – a delightful film about a girl’s struggles as head cheer leader – something I’m sure we can all identify with. It’s about as camp as Elton John in a tent, but has some great one liners, some great dance routines and is a lovely show of just what generation “look at me” is really all about – something I’m sure we can all identify with. Altogether now, “I’m wanted, I’m hot, I’m everything you’re not!”

Apocalypse Now (1979) ITV4 11pm

I wanted manly and I got it – possibly the manliest film ever created which doesn’t border on homoeroticism – or does it? Decide on the subtext afterwards, but for now enjoy one of the greatest films of all time; Francis Ford Copploa’s journey into darkness… This film has one of the most troubled productions of all time - Marlon Brando was close to eating himself throughout and Martin Sheen had a heart attack because of the stressful shoot, despite being only 37. Yet from that mess comes a masterpiece: albeit (whisper it) slightly flawed. Set during the Vietnam War, Martin Sheen plays Captain Willard, a man sent on a mission to assassinate a renegade Colonel played by the enigmatic Brando. Willard travels down the dangerous Vietnam river and is slowly engulfed by the same darkness that got his intended target – will Willard be able to survive mentally and physically to complete his mission? Fully encapsulating the horror and the madness of the war, the film will grab you by the face and will never let go. Sit back and witness cinema history. And yes it’s my film of the week.

The Illusionist (2006) FILM4 9pm

Yes a fourth film. If you don’t want rom-com, camp, or Vietnamese mind fuck, here’s a decent Hollywood film you can just sit back and enjoy. No it’s not the best, but it’s Monday, and sometimes you just want to sit down with a film that will hold your attention and leave you feeling satisfied at the end. Edward Norton is a magician who is messing with powers he cannot control (political powers that is) when he falls for a woman who is off limits: the Prince’s wife.

Tuesday

A Time to Kill (1996) FILM4 9pm

Never seen this, but in the main places I looked it’s be recommended, so there you go! Matthew Mconaughey is a young lawyer defending Samuel L. Jackson (don’t just judge him on Batman & Robin, he’s done a lot of good films). Here’ the review for you from Empire Online:

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?FID=4062

Rushmore (1999) Sky Modern Greats 10pm

I recommended this the other week, but from talking to my friends, not a lot of you watched it. Geez. Well here it is again, make sure you at least record it. It’s a Wes Anderson comedy about a teenager (Jason Schwartzman) who develops a crush on his teacher. It’s funny, it’s quirky… just watch it. Go on.

The Terminator (1984) SYFY 11pm

Not as many people have watched this as Terminator 2 so here you go. One of the most important sci-fi films of all time, this is a lot grittier then it’s more accomplished younger brother. Directed by James Cameron, the film is about a cyborg (Arnold Schwarzenegger) who is sent back in time to assassinate the leader of the human resistance following a future war between man and machine. Only a member of the resistance, Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn), who is sent back in time after the cyborg has a chance of saving humanity… I don’t think I need to say any more than that really, but if you need me to, then just ask.

Crazy Stupid Love (2011) Sky Premier 8 pm

It has Ryan Gosling looking smooth as fuck in suits.

Wednesday

Dirty Harry (1971) TCM 9pm

Here is another classic which has not been picked up by a generation as much as it should, even though I’m sure most people are very familiar with it. Alright, I’ll climb down of my pedestal now, but seriously this film is an absolute classic! Clint Eastwood and his .44 Magnum dish out the justice – pain style! Maybe this is the most manly film of all time? With quotable line after quotable line, Clint’s Harry is a formidable mix of manly manliness and uber cool. Watch this especially if you enjoyed Bring It On a little too much and want re-align a couple of things.

Harold and Maude (1971) Sky Classics 8pm

Oh how lucky I am to have this on Sky Classics, because I have been meaning to watch this for a while now. This film follows a death obsessed young man who falls for a 79 year old woman. Yep, you read that right. It’s meant to be an oddball comedy (you don’t say), but I’ve been reliably informed that the impact this film had is still being felt today. Here’s Empire’s review:

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/reviewcomplete.asp?SID=10139

Kingpin (1996) FILM4 11.05pm

Those bloody Farelly brothers, hey? What are they like? Well if you genuinely wanted an answer to that rhetorical question then the answer would be “they are hilariously funny, well used to be anyway, and are famed for their gross out humour mixed with incredible wit.” This film follows an Amish Man (Randy Quaid) who is very skilful at bowling, so much so that former pro Woody Harrelson takes him under his wing. A film that will probably offend just about everyone and also has Bill Murray in it, so many bonus points for that.

Crazy Stupid Love (2011) Sky Premier 8 pm

It has Ryan Gosling’s abs in it.

Thursday

The Inbetweeners Movie (2011) Channel 4 9pm

No.

Police Academy (1984) TCM 9pm

The Gutt! Yeah! Steve Guttenberg is a member of Police Academy witha bunch of young trainee cops who just love to cause trouble! It’s rude, it’s crude and has a very young Kim Cattral (woof!). If the sequels have ruined your opinion of the series, then watch this to rectify things.  Oh, and just for the record, Steve Guttenberg apparently has a huge cock. Now you know.

The Lost Boys (1987) TCM 10.50pm

A classic teen movie about two brothers who move house - which just happens to be in a town full of vampires. No wonder the house was so cheap, d’uh! Ah well… Great 80’s romp, which was about as cool as you could get back in the day, and it still holds up pretty well by today’s standards as well. Kiefer Sutherland acts all brooding and also has the two Corey’s in it (Haim and Feldman) before they were about to piss their careers away through drugs and more drugs. Great cinema.

Meek’s Cutoff (2010) Film4 11am

Not a lot on today (well certainly nothing worth recommending you probably haven’t seen), so after researching several films this seems to come out on top. It’s a film following three families on the pioneer trail who have to deal with the brutalities that come with being on the frontier. If that doesn’t particular grab you then maybe this review from Empire Online will:

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=118782

Crazy Stupid Love (2011) Sky Premier 9.45pm

It has Emma Stone in it, who I would like to be my wife one day (believe it or not).

Friday

Caddyshack (1980) Sky Modern Greats 8pm

One of my favourite comfort films to stick on when things are tough; this is a classic comedy following the trials and tribulations at a golf club. Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield and Chevy Chase star – which is surprising given a) Chevy Chase and Bill Murray hated each other at this point of time and b) they were never intended to be the stars of the film, they were just given a lot more screen time because of the phenomenal improv work they were doing – much to the disgruntlement of the film’s original stars whose parts were pushed more into the back ground as a result. Ah well, we shouldn’t complain, the film is much better because of it.

Attack the Block (2011) FILM4 9pm

I think any British film that comes out these days has a head start in reviewers’ minds. You can understand why (kind of). We British are a patriotic bunch and the chance to push a home grown film over a nasty American impostor must be seen as admirable, right? Of course I am being sarcastic, but I sympathise somewhat with biased people. This film is no exception in my eyes, sure it’s good, but all the noise that was being made about it before hand would make you think you were going to see something that it isn’t. Hopefully, my little write up should dampen your expectations, because you will enjoy the film a lot more if it has. The film follows a group of ASBO kids who take on an alien invasion. Nowhere near as dumb as it sounds, the action is good and raw in places, yet the film has a slightly predictable feel to it.

Dead Man’s Shoes (2004) FILM4 10.55pm

You know what I was saying earlier about hyped up British films that aren’t quite as great as people would have you believe? Well this is an exception. Made for under a million pounds, Paddy Considine is a man with an agenda, a killing agenda. He returns home in order to exact revenge on people who abused his mentally challenged brother, and all kinds of pain follow. Make sure you check this out.

Crazy Stupid Love (2011)

Just go and buy it, you’ll want to watch it again soon.

Disney purchase Lucasfilm. New Star Wars Trilogy to begin in 2015

Holy fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck… wow. No one saw this coming. STAR WARS IS COMING BACKKK!

 

Firstly press play on the below video, I want you to have the music playing while you read this one.

 

Go on, do it!

Right….

Firstly: Disney acquires Lucasfilm for $4 Billion.

Secondly: New Star Wars films set for 2015.

“Why?” you may ask. “Jesus Christ!” you may exclaim. Both of those utterances would be completely understandable as this announcement has sent the internet (myself included) into meltdown. This isn’t just a film where fanboys feel the force; most people with an interest in film will take note of what’s happening with this monumental purchase from Disney. Firstly, let me tell you what’s happened:

George Lucas has decided that he no longer wants to make Star Wars films. Whether you think this is a good thing depends entirely on your view of the prequels. For me personally, although I did enjoy the prequels, I was still left disappointed. It’s taken me several years to come to terms with this, and I know a lot of fanboys are still struggling so I can understand initial trepidation, and also outright opposition. So why has he decided to sell then? Well who better to explain then the great bearded one himself:

“For the past 35 years, one of my greatest pleasures has been to see Star Wars passed from one generation to the next,” said Lucas, chairman and CEO of Lucasfilm, in a statement. “It’s now time for me to pass Star Wars on to a new generation of filmmakers. I’ve always believed that Star Wars could live beyond me, and I thought it was important to set up the transition during my lifetime.”

Or you can hear it straight from the bearded ones mouth:

 

So there you have it! But this was then followed by the fact there was going to be a new movie in 2015, and this was going to be the first part of a new trilogy. The noise I made when hearing that was similar to this goat:

 

Holy crap balls. Now this is going to divide everyone down the middle. Some people will be screaming into the heavens while jabbing sharp object in their eyes screaming, “WHY GEORGE?! JUST LEAVE IT ALONE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLYYYYYYYYY!!!!” Then there will be others who are screaming to the heavens grabbing a certain part of their body and screaming “THANKYOU GEORGE!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!”

I am in the latter category.

Why? ‘Cause there is still so frickin’ much to get from this galaxy! There is simply nothing in existence that rivals the mix of adventure and mysticism that Star Wars is able to create. The fans are still as loyal as ever (despite a bumpy ride) and in the right hands there are many more stories to be told.

Now if George Lucas was still at the helm I would be a little worried. In the prequels the dialogue was clunky and there was Jar Jar Binks. Bloody Jar Jar. I think George’s love for the franchise was dipping and the attention to detail that he used to build this universe from the ground up was starting to wane. But even with hindrance the series was still able to produce moments like this:

 

And this:

 

The visuals and the music come together so even the most cynical of fans will feel the hairs on their arms stand to attention, especially if they were to hear that famous crawl happen again for a brand new time. Cripes.

Now a few people have turned their noses up at Disney taken the baton, but they really shouldn’t have. First of all you don’t become one of the biggest production companies in the business by fucking things up; they will know what they are getting into and will take the upmost care in bringing it to the silver screen. This is a business opportunity here people! And they know if they get Star Wars right they will have a billion dollar film on their hand. Disney currently have both Pixar and Marvel on their books who have both been churning out quality for the last few years – particularly Pixar – so they have a bit of experience when it comes to these things. Oh Pixar, they are the main reason why I’m getting excited over this – if Disney are able to transfer the same quality that goes into any Pixar film into a Star Wars film then expect big things. The thought of John Lasseter (Toy Story) or Brad Bird (The Incredibles) getting put in charge of a Star Wars saga makes me very excited.

But those are just two directors who could be an option because of their close proximity to this deal, imagine the other directors who could be put in charge of this. It probably goes without saying that many a director working today will have been inspired by Star Wars and would be chomping at the bit to put their own spin on things. Kevin Smith (Clerks) is probably frothing at the mouth, Edgar Wright (Scott Pilgrim vs The World) eyes have probably lit up, and a whole host of others are probably thinking “what if?” Someone who has the creative vision to inject their own stamp on such a magical universe is surely enough to intrigue anyone, fanboy or normal person.

Yep I’m excited, and I’m just about to start watching all 6 films in celebration.

The force will be with you. Always.

 

 

Decent films to watch this week (29/10/12)

Firstly, apologies for the delay on this. The weekend was messy. Oh so so messy. I thought I was in a happy place to write, but after slaving away on this for a few hours it soon became evident that coherent thought was not my friend. And neither was personal hygiene for that matter. Ah well... Anyway, in time for tonight’s spooky festivities, I have managed to pull myself away from the metaphorical ledge of despair, and also the quite literal ledge of despair (I had a really bad hangover). So, put your masks on kids and get your bags ready, I've got a few treats for you all - and maybe some tricks as well.

Wednesday

The Shining, Cinemas

It’s Halloween, it’s orange Wednesday, so what a great time to watch possibly the scariest film of all time on the big screen! Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of Stephen King’s bestseller is a master class on how to unsettle your audience. Everything from the cinematography, to the music, even to the carpet is designed to make you feel unease – and boy does it work. The film follows Jack Torrance and his family as they move into the Overlook Hotel to be caretakers over the winter break. But the isolation soon starts to have an effect on Jack… Oh and the hotel may or may not be haunted as well.   Stephen King wasn’t happy with Mr Kubrick’s work as he felt that we don’t sympathise with Jack too much in the film, and the plot diverts quite a lot from what was originally committed to paper, but this should not deter yourselves from giving it a shot as it’s really an axe cut above the rest (although I would recommend reading the book – it actually might be scarier than the film). Don’t miss this opportunity to see this on the big screen and take someone you can grab tight the whole way through. Hereeeeeeeeee’s Johnny!

Poltergeist (1982) TCM 11.05pm

Tobe Hooper’s classic ghost story is sure to get you looking at the TV slightly differently as a group of ghosts invade a poor unsuspecting family’s home. Surprisingly scary and surprisingly gruesome, given its original PG rating; this is one film you probably don’t want to let the kids watch even with your expert guidance.
The Sixth Sense (1999) FILM4 9pm

You know what, I haven’t seen this is bloody ages! And it’s bloody scary too. I’m pretty sure last time I watched this (about 5 years ago) there were still some bits I fast forwarded over (I’m thinking specifically about the scene in the tent), but I’m going to try my manly best to get to the end with some dignity still intact. Denial aside, this is an exquisitely crafted modern horror that manages to mix big scares and more subtle chills, which is no easy task seeing as a lot of films seem to focus on one or the other. This film made superstars of both director M. Night Shyamalan and Hayley Joel Osmant, both of whom have struggled in subsequent years, but this should not diminish from the achievement here (out shining Bruce Willis is no easy task – especially when he is this form). Sixth Sense is a film about a child who has been shunned by his peers for his removed and odd behaviour. His mother becomes increasingly concerned about her disturbed son, but there may be hope in the form of Bruce Willis. Can he discover the route of the unrest? You betchya!
The Adams Family (1991) FILM4 7.05pm

I’m pretty sure if I inquired about my friend’s opinions on this film they would be, at the minimum, resoundingly positive, and yet I still feel this film is under appreciated (don’t get even get me started on the sequel and how much more love that deserves). Razor sharp script brought to life by fantastic production, Barry Sonnenfeld brings the TV’s spookiest family to the big screen with fantastic aplomb.
Thursday

Casablanca (1942) TCM 4.45pm

Had enough of the morbid and morose? Want to see arguably the greatest love story ever committed to celluloid in order to cheer you up? Well, cheer you up kind of - depends on how you interpret the ending… Anyway, Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart are the two former lovers who are about to get reacquainted in Africa during the Second World War. For the more soppy of you out there get the tissues ready.

The Last of the Mohicans (1992) Channel 5 10pm

Great film this one, most of it will take your breath away; from the amazing central performance from Daniel Day Lewis to the excellent cinematography and action pieces orchestrated by Michael Mann, this is a really powerful film that deserves your attention.
Where Eagles Dare (1968) ITV4 9pm

Classic war time adventure starring Dickie Burton and Clint Eastwoord. Those pesky scheming Nazis are up to no good when they capture an American General, so an elite of team of Commandos are put together in order to retrieve him. If that wasn't difficult enough it soon transpire that they may have a traitor in their midst trying to scupper the rescue mission - the swines! If you like your adventure with some bang and your Nazis on the dead side of things then here is the film for you!
Friday

Crazy Stupid Love (2011) Sky Premier 8pm

I’ll warn you now, I’ll be recommending this film next week as well, because I love this. It’s already rocketed straight into my precious comfort film category (a top honour) and this is mainly because the warm fuzzy feeling it gives me. I want to be in Ryan Gosling, I want to be married to Emma Stone, and I want – Oh, screw it, I just want it all. Steve Carrel is a bloke, struggling with the end of his marriage and goes on a bit of a downer – until an uber cool Gosling comes along to change it all. Watch it.

The Host (2006) FILM4 12.45am

I’ve been meaning to watch this one for a while, so thankfully it’s come along on TV. It’s a Korean monster movie, and meant to very tongue in cheek and very high in quality – this is supposed to be a good watch. Here’s Empire:
http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=117548

Public Enemies (2009) ITV1 10.35pm

Now just to be upfront with you here on this one, this film is good, but when I saw it at the cinema it didn't blow me away. Which was a bit of a bugger really because this was the second film in succession from Mann to disappoint (the first being Miami Vice). It has Mann's stamp all over it i.e. it looks to die for and there are some great action set pieces. Plus it has two great leads in Johnny Depp and Christian Bale - it's just, something is missing... the spark which is meant to truly grab you and immerse you in what's happening on screen. But maybe that was just me, find out for yourself. Johnny Depp is John Dillinger, the most wanted robber of his day. He's a cool cat, and the public has a bit of a soft spot for him. He's being chased down by a very serious Christian Bale (is there another kind?) and a whole matter of things go boom with a few sultry looks thrown into boot.

 

Decent films to watch this week (22/10/12).

As a film fan, you have to prepare to be humbled. The more you know, the more you realise you don’t. This is a week where I have gone outside my comfort zone… Yeah I could of recommended films I know, but… Ok I have no excuses. You’ll see what I mean, especially towards the end. I’m gonna go and do some comfort eating. Here are your recommendations for the week…

Monday

Enter the Dragon (1973) ITV 11.05pm

I don’t think I have to say too much about this – No? Can’t take the easy road out? Bloody hell, never going to find a job at this rate. Ok, ok, right, this was the film that put Bruce Lee and Martial Art films on the map for the mighty US of A – after Bruce had died. Fortunately for the Yanks, one of cinema’s greatest icons had a small back catalogue of films to visit to become more familiar with and he’d also inspired a generation (keep an eye out for Jackie Chan in this film) to carry on his legacy. It’s actually not the greatest of films (story wise), it’s just Bruce does what he does and takes it to a different level.  Bruce has to infiltrate a tournament or something in order to spy on a crime lord. Actually that’s quite pedantic of me; you could make most films sound stupid like that. A guy has to go inside a blokes dream in order to plant an idea or something. Some lad comes back from a war to take over a family business and shoots a couple of people in a restaurant or something. Anyway I digress, just watch, enjoy and marvel.

The Searchers (1956) TCM 6.40pm

The first of many films I have not seen this week – my job is to present you with good quality films you will be not familiar with and would probably not watched otherwise, hey I do my research! I am reliably informed this is John Ford’s greatest film (Orson Welles favourite director – if you needed any higher praise) and stars another great icon of cinema, John Wayne. Add to that Empire gives it 5 stars and you have a must watch film on your hands. It’s a Western where John is on the hunt for a group of comanches who stole his nice.  As always, here is the review:

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=117292

The Negotiator (1998) FILM4 9pm

This was (and still is) one of my late night comfort films – despite it not being on too late. You know the scene, you get into bed, your mum tucks you in, then you want something to gently send you off to a slumber, but you end up staying up way later then you expected when you stumble on a great film you’ve never really heard of before and a comfort film is born. (see also Breakdown – although no one ever remembers what the film is called, they just remember the scenario: Kurt Russel and his wife break down on the side of the road, a trucker takes the wife to go and get some help, wife goes missing etc.) Anyway, this film has a great dynamic between its two stars, Kevin Spacey (in 1998 was just about to hit the big time) and Samuel L. Jackson (in 1998 was currently enjoying the big time) and is tense throughout. Jules is a hostage negotiator who has been framed, so in order to clear himself he takes a bunch of hostages. Kevin Spacey is the hostage negotiator bought in to negotiate with the hostage negotiator who has taken the hostages. Simple enough, right? Well it is actually and a great little thriller to enjoy late(ish) on a Monday night.

Tuesday

Persepolis (2007) FILM4 12.45am

Animation about an Iranian girl struggling amidst the back drop of the Iran-Iraq war. The second film I haven’t seen this week (and it’s only Tuesday – and believe me it’s going to get worse). Oscar nominated and positive reviews all round mean you should give this a chance.

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=117873

The Candidate (1972) Sky Modern Greats 8pm

Remember I gave myself 7/10 when it comes to movie fandom? Wriggle room people!! The third film I haven’t seen this week (and believe me it’s going to get worse). Robert Redford does comedy as a Lawyer who is persuaded to run as a senator. While he rises to power he realises that it is at the cost of his family. Here is the Empire Online vibe…

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=117307

Like Crazy (2011) Sky Premier 12.30am

Huzzah! A film I have watched! Anton Yelchin and Emma Roberts are two students who fall for each other but find out that meeting your perfect partner isn’t enough sometimes for a relationship to work. A subtle drama that lets its two gifted leads do all the hard work, it is a touching film and is sure to resonate with anyone who is a sucker for love.

Broadway Danny Rose (1984) Sony Movie Channel 8.10pm

And we’re back to unknown territory. Do I get some slack because I am recommending 5 films on a Tuesday? Didn’t think so. Woody Allen comedy about an agent who has gone down in folk lore because of his all-heart-no-talent approach. Here’s the review to convince you…

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=7673

Look I do my research ok?! I know what’s good even if I haven’t watched it! Geez, get off my back already!

Naked Gun (1988) Sky Modern Greats 10pm

My favourite comedy of all time. I’m sure you are all familiar with it, but just in case… (and no, for the cynical I haven’t just put this in cause it’s a film I’ve watched) The late, great Leslie Nielsen is Lt. Frank Drebin of Police Squad, tasked with solving the most perplexing of crimes, in the most perplexing of ways. It’s so silly in such a clever manner that I’ll still laugh at the gags even on the 100^th time of watching.

Wednesday

Revolutionary Road (2008) BBC2 11.20pm

If you want a well-made, depressing film tonight then here you are. Sam Mendes directs this excellent film about free spirited couple who are slowly being absorbed by the 1950’s ideals of what a nuclear family should be. Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are reunited following a little incident on a big ship to bring this heart breaking drama to fruition. Sit down. Watch. Appreciate quality. Slit wrists.

First Blood (1982) Sky Action 10pm

Sylvester Stallone shows he isn’t a one franchise pony in this classic action film. Sly comes to town as Vietnam vet and the locals are not really happy about his arrival. Some shit goes down which leads Sly to flee to the wilderness with the cops on his tail and even more shit goes down. Really one of the great action films of all time, I don’t think enough people of my generation have experienced this, so here it is in my recommendations. This film also acts as chilling reminder of what Vietnam vets came back to after they had experienced hell in East Asia. After the media turned the general public against the Vietnam war, the hostile nature which Sly experiences in this film isn’t a million miles away of what a lot of vets would of got on their return to the USA. You see, film reviews and American history 101, I just keep on giving.

The War of the Worlds (1953) FILM4 4.35pm

Classic Sci-fi where the special effects are still incredible given the era they have come from. Martians invade Earth and they have a merry ol’ time kicking our ass. Anyone who is interested to see how sci-fi has developed over the years should make a point of watching this.

Honourable mention – Taken (2008) More4 10pm – I know you’ve all seen it I’m just letting you know it’s on if you want to erase Taken 2 from your head.

Thursday

Casino (1995) ITV4 10.35pm

A Martin Scorsese film and it’s not my film of the week? Even though it’s not his best, it’s still incredible cinema from Martin. The film loses its way somewhat in the final third and drags here and there which keeps it from achieving the godly status, but this is one of those films that if I happen to stumble on it I’ll usually end up watching it through to conclusion because it’s so good - which is always a bugger cause it’s so frickin’ long (you’ll be up 2.05am with this one). Robert De Niro is the guy the mob put in charge to run their casino operation, with Joe Pesci as his enforcer who hsd ideas of his own. Violent, slick and incredibly acted, this is brilliant cinema. Screw it, I’ve hardly seen anything this week and there’s not much else on, 4 in a row for Scorsese – this is my film of the week.

Cedar Rapids (2011) Sky Indie 8.30pm

After four in row, we’re now back to familiar territory this week with a film I have not seen. And it’s the same for the next four films as well. Look don’t judge me, I think I’m starting to get a complex. And believe me I don’t need any more. This is a comedy with Ed Helms and John C. Reily, which should be enough for you (who am I kidding, us), but as it will not be here is a brief outline – Ed works for an insurance company and is sent to the town of Cedar Rapids to represent them. He is then taken under the guidance of 3 convention veterans, and hilarity ensues I’m sure. Hereeeeeeeee’s Empire Online…

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=118821

The Rum Diary (2011) Sky Premier 10.30pm

Johnny Depp returns to gonzo territory (a style of journalism) after his work with late friend Hunter S. Thompson (the person who popularized gonzo) on Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Depp is a journalist who goes to work in Puerto Rico for a local newspaper and gets wrapped up in the local hedonistic lifestyle which leads him to fall for a taken woman. Yep, you’ve guessed it, I haven’t seen it. Again. All these films I haven’t watched are making me feel not so good. I feel anxious. Are the walls starting to close in on me in this room? I feel hot.

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=118946

Friday

Away We Go (2009) FILM4 11.05pm

Yep, the walls are really starting to close in on me. Here’s another one I haven’t watched. My vision is starting to become blurred and I can hear a constant ringing in my ears. This is meant to be an entertaining affair about a couple who are expecting their first baby and go on a cross country trip across America to find a suitable place to raise their first born. Directed by Sam Mendes, this has a very Indie sounding set up, but is sure to be infused with quality. Here’s the review courtesy of Empire Online:

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=118306

Play Misty for Me (1971) Sky Classics 8.30pm

Oh man, here’s another one! The room is narrow, so so narrow. And the ringing in my ears has turned into a constant thudding. Everything is going a dark. So so dark. I can hear voices, voices of disapproval. Oh God, there’s also a little girl standing at the bottom of my garden. She’s looking at through the TV guide and is mouthing at me “You’re shit”. Oh dear. Before I have a full mental breakdown over the limits of my movie knowledge, please find here Clint Eastwood’s directorial debut about a disc jockey who has the admiration of a woman he probably doesn’t want to admiration from – on account of her being a total nut job. Here’s Empire with the review…

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=7865

Rope (1948) Sky Classics 7pm

The girl’s come in now, her eyes are black like a doll, and she only speaks in Latin. She’s clearly annoyed with me and her head keeps spinning round when I tell her about other films I have not watched, but she isn’t that bad I guess. I’ve given her a cup of tea, she’s calmed down a bit and we’re about to watch a film together. This wouldn’t be a bad shout… One of Alfred Hitchcock’s efforts before he went on his amazing steak of films – this still looks like it will be a very decent watch. Two students decide to kill another student – just to prove they can. They then hide the body and decide to throw a party with the body hidden in the room. Surely their arrogance will be their undoing?

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=7865

Right there you go. The little girl has decided we’re watching Avatar. Bloody hell! I thought things were bad. Liberate sue.

Decent films to watch this week (15/10/12).

Welcome one and welcome all! Last night I had a dream I owned a submarine, but for some reason my dad thought I shouldn’t have it and sold it behind my back. I was not happy. Why I’m having dreams about my father taking away phallic shaped objects from me is one question of many  for my psychiatrist this week, but before the men in white coats get me I have given you some film recommendations for the week. And boy are they crazy…

Monday

Running Scared (2006) Channel 4 2.25am

A post-Tarantino action film (see also Lucky Number Slevin showing this week) where you crank up the style and turn on the edgy – this is an explosive film to sit back and watch that still manages to keep your attention in between things going boom. The film has a relatively simple concept: Paul Walker has a son. Paul Walker’s son has a friend. This friend decided to shoot his abusive stepfather and then go on the run. He shoots the stepfather with Paul Walker’s gun. Paul Walker must retrieve this weapon before the wrong people find it. Simple right? Well throw in some tense-action-thrilly-ness and pepper with some real “what the fuck?” moments and you got yourself a decent film which is certainly not run of the mill. The major puzzle is why it is on so late, so make sure you set the recorders kids!

Team America: World Police (2004) Sky Comedy 8pm

I’m sure,  I’M positive everyone has seen this, so why might you ask I am recommending it?

1)       In case you haven’t watched it, watch it. Just in case there is anyone out there....

2)      I haven’t seen it on TV for a while so here it is for anyone else who hasn’t seen it in a while.

3)      It’s so funny it would be criminal not too.

4)      “Hewwo!”

Tootsie (1982) Sky Modern Greats 10pm

Cinema audiences love a good cross dressing movie; in fact audiences have loved cross dressing since the time of Shakespeare when women were not allowed to act and men had to act all the parts (the ’women’ would often dress up as men though as in such plays as in “Twelfth Night” and “As you Like It"). Tootsie is one of the classics of the genre and one of the biggest hits of the 80's. Dustin Hoffman was (and still is) one of the biggest stars going because of his versatility and the warmth he could bring to all of the characters he portrayed. This film follows  Dustin as an out of work actor who gets a gig when he auditions for a part as a woman. Classic comedy that also has Bill Murray in support – which is reason enough to watch it.

Girl, Interrupted (1999) Sky Drama 11.35pm

The film that launched Angelina Jolie into the big time, Winona Ryder’s performance should not be overshadowed though. The film’s main pull is watching the two lead characters navigate a story which takes an earnest look at mental illness (the film is based on Susanna Kaysen’s memoirs of her own time in an institution) in between some touching and unnerving moments. Will not be everyone’s cup of tea, but will be a rewarding experience for anyone who gives it the time.

Tuesday

The Thing (1982) Sky Modern Greats 10.10pm

Let’s be clear about this – I am not recommending ‘The Thing’ showing on Sky Premiere. I haven’t watched that yet; the reviews are not great but I will get round to it. I am recommending the original remake (the original film is 1951’s “The Thing from Another World” which is itself an adaptation of John W. Campbell Jr’s story “Who Goes There?”) and it is rightly seen as one of the classics of both sci-fi and horror. I could literally write a 2,000 worded recommendation for this film, but I will try and keep it brief(ish) as I know you probably have better stuff to do. This film, created by John Carpenter, follows a group of American scientists in a remote station based in the Antarctic who have an encounter with a shape shifting alien. It is one of the scariest and goriest films I have ever watched and yet it still oozes cool from every orifice – from the creepy soundtrack to Kurt Russel’s grizzly Macready - this is a must watch film that begs to be watched in the dark and behind the sofa.

House of Flying Daggers (2004) Sky Indie

Coming off the back of “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, this is a film that deserves to be seen in its own light. The cinematography and the action is simply breath-taking, the amount of detail poured into any give scene would embarrass most main stream movies. The film follows two captains from the Tang Dynsasty who are tasked with bring down the rebel group, The House of Flying Daggers. This film is simply beautiful .

Lucky Number Slevin (2006) Film 4 11.15

As mentioned in my Running Scared recommendation here we have another post-Tarantino film. What do I mean by post-Tarantino? Look for obscure pop culture references, edgy action, and air of cool that usually didn’t appear in action films of yesteryear. It might sound like a criticism… and I guess it is a little bit, but do I like the film? Yeah I do. Josh Harnett is the man suffering from mistaken identity with a couple of mob bosses and hair which always looks cool no matter who’s hitting him the face. Decent cast that also includes Bruce Willis, Ben Kingsley, Lucy Liu and Stanley Tucci make sure it is definitely worth your time.

Wednesday

The King of Comedy (1983) Film 4 9pm

My film recommendation of the week, and it’s a hat-trick for Martin Scorsese (can you guess who my favourite director is?). This is a film that I’ve been recommending for a while now to people who put up with me and is one of the few instances I disagree with Empire Online, who only give it 3 out of 5. Robert De Niro stars as Rupert Pupkin who is obsessed with becoming famous and resorts to stalking his idol Jerry Lewis in order to make it happen, with mixed results. Fascinating and often awkward this is a creepy look at people’s obsession with celebrity culture and is relevant as it was 30 years ago – probably more so.

Ray (2004) Sky Modern Greats 8pm

Right, I’ll be honest with you here. I’ve watched this film, I know I quite liked it, but I can’t actually remember why,  other than an amazing performance from Jamie Foxx – I’m pretty sure the story line was good, if not remarkable, and it’s an interesting look into an icon and the darkness that was part of his life – hey, that wasn’t bad actually! Maybe I remember more than I give myself credit for. Regardless of my poor memory, Jamie Foxx is blue legend Ray Charles, and this story follows him in his formative years dealing with blindness, his rise to stardom and the problems that it seems to always bring about. If you want a bit more of an insight here is Total Film’s write up:

http://www.totalfilm.com/reviews/cinema/ray

Ruby Sparks, Cinema

There’s not a lot else on tonight, so if you fancy making the most of Orange Wednesday, then go out and see this film as all the reviews seem to be good for it. Paul Dano is an author who writes about his dream girl – who then just happens to come to life. Yep, I know, but put away your sensible side for a bit, and just and enjoy it. Here’s Empire’s review to seal the deal.

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?FID=137693

Thursday

My Cousin Vinny (1992) TCM 9pm

I was doing pretty well for recommending films I have seen this week but all this is about to come crashing to an end, and this one is nowhere near as embarrassing as the next one. Joe Pesci is the small time lawyer who thinks he is big time trying to get his cousin off the hook for a murder charge. It’s got Joe Pesci in it, so it should be worth my time. For the rest, here’s a review from Empire Online:

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?FID=16393

The Abyss (1989) Film 4 6.15pm

Right I am embarrassed I haven’t seen this. Like really embarrassed. My excuse is, that I’ve always known it’s there, and I’ve really never been compelled to watch it, but I know I should… ok I don’t have an excuse, for the following reasons:

1)      It’s by James Cameron.

2)      It’s sci-fi by James Cameron

3)      It’s sci-fi by James Cameron that stars Michael Biehn

I know Michael Biehn may not be familiar to all of you but he is kind a big deal to me cause of the roles he has played in a couple of my favourite films (which just so happen to be Jim Cameron films as well). Basically all this means I am stupid for not have watching it, and I’m sorry. I’m not sure exactly who I am apologising too, but there you have it just in case.  The story concerns an underwater rescue team who encounter aliens and is meant to be one of the great sci-fi films of all time. Geez. Here’s Empire Online’s write up:

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?DVDID=6696

Blazing Saddles (1974) ITV 4 10pm

This film regularly appears in top 10 funniest films of all time along with the other usual suspects (take a bow ‘Airplane!’, ‘Some Like it Hot’ and others…) and rightly so. Starring Gene Wilder and directed by Mel Brooks, the story follows a young black man who become a young black sheriff to a frontier town who are less then appreciative. Watch, laugh and enjoy.

Friday

National Lampoon’s Animal House (1978) Sky Modern Greats 8pm

One of the ‘others’ I was referencing in my previous recommendation when I spoke of greatest comedies of all time is this – and it is possibly the most influential comedy of all time. If you haven’t watched this film, then I recommend now is a good time. This film follows a fraternity house battling to fight off expulsion from university and the madcap madness that ensues. This film is responsible for lowering ‘the tone’ when it came to comedy, and the repercussions can still be felt today in basically anything the frat pack plus its extended family does. It’s the film that threw John Belushi into the stratosphere… just think of him as the original Zack Galifinakis if you’re not familiar.

The Machinist (2004) Sky Indies 10pm

Christian Bale does ‘his trick’ (I’m joking if you’re reading by the way Christian) and sheds shocking amount of weight to play an insomniac struggling with the problems with reality – and when I say ‘with reality’ I don’t mean the problems life throws up (those too) but more so working out what is real… Fascinating look into a man losing the plot, make sure you check this one out. Also this film concludes a trilogy of films on Sky Indie that must surely rank as some of the most depressing of all time. So if you feel like hating life then please tune in at 6.10 pm for ‘Never Let Me Go’ and at 8pm for ‘We Need to Talk About Kevin’.

Conan the Barbarian (1982) Sky Modern Greats 11.40pm

The film that got Arnie Schwarzenegger’s career on the way to the big time is a great fantasy yarn about sword fights, sorcery and snakes. A great score by Basil Poledouris brings to life this magical tale about the warrior Conan looking to avenge his parents death in a harsh and brutal world. If you just like lots of boobs and biceps on show then you’re also in luck.

 

The 11 Coolest Weapons in Movies, Ever!

Hello all, when it comes to film there are some things I bloody love. One thing I bloody love is trailers. I have previously spoke about my love for these beautiful things, and feel free to read the article all over again if you scroll way down below (or, if you're lazy, click here http://innaprop-rate.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/i-bloody-love-movie-trailers-but-should.html). But the other thing bloody I love is lists. I bloody love movie related lists.

I don’t know why I love lists, I just really really do. Maybe it’s the thrill of slowly making your way to the top of the pile. You edge your way closer and closer to the pinnacle of the point; each level teases you to think what the next might be. Oh, the tension, what might it be...

….

Sorry, lost myself there for a bit. Maybe it's just as simple as I just like to know what the best is. This could be related to the fact that I love reading people's reviews to see where everything stands - or maybe it's just a crippling inferiority complex. I am always curious to see what other people rate and just how high they rate. If you are unfortunate enough to be friends with me I have probably asked you what your favorite move is. I’m not stuck for conversation or anything (most of the time) I am just genuinely interested to see what you regard as the best. I know! I am genuinely that sad. Crazy.

So with these little pointers in mind I am presenting you with a list.  Actually, scrub that, I am presenting you with 'the list' (delusions of grandeur here we go). And a great list to start with - The coolest weapons in movies. Ever. Now keep in mind these are not the best weapons ever. No no. The coolest. So why the coolest as opposed to best? Well, best would be to all over the place. Best for a large scale attack, best for a covert kill, best in close quarters etc….. no no, these are the coolest weapons… the weapons you wish you had at your side cause it would make your dick feel about 10 times bigger (or the equivalent if you are woman - I would not dare hazard a guess). The weapon you wish you had at your side where all you would have to do is point at said weapon and any would-be mugger would instantly back off and instantly want to be your friend cause you were so frickin’ cool. The weapon you pretended you had when you were a kid when you ran round supermarket making the appropriate noises while your parents chased helplessly after you.

All three things still happen to me today (also, when I go to a supermarket I always wave my hand before I go through the automatic doors to make me feel like a Jedi...yep), so with that in mind I have racked my brain vigorously and repeatedly to come up with the best list I can. Set your expectations to stun

11) Fifth Element – ZF-1

When you positively, absolutely have to kill every motherfucker in the room in a multitude of different ways and still look good in the process due to the fact it has been designed by Jean Paul Gautier, then here is your gun of choice. It’s just got everything! Inspired by the AK47-u, the dial has been cranked all the way to 11 with this homicidal beast.  You have bullets that remember their target (although if you’ve hit the unlucky son of a bitch, which I presumed you have, and subsequently killed him why would you need to keep on hitting him?), missiles, flame thrower, net gun and freezer -  It’s the equivalent of a Swiss Army knife in gun form. Is every feature on this gun necessary? Hell no. But do we want it? Hell yes!

10) Men in Black – Noisy Cricket

Big things come in small packages. This gun would be worth carrying around just to amaze people. Imagine the scene: You’re in car park when you see an unruly gang approach you. They have numerous tattoos and one of the members of the gang seems to be from an ethnic minority – shit’s about to go down. It doesn’t look like they’re the type that can be put off with some choice dance moves either like Michael Jackson’s video for Bad would have you believe. You’re gonna have to show them who is boss. Show them who’s boss… in style! No not the dance moves again. If you pull out any other gun yes they would run away, but would they respect you? No. Pull this little bundle of joy out and they would all piss themselves laughing. But herein lies the beauty. Aim it at their Vauhxall Calibra and pull the trigger. The resulting explosion would only be matched by their collective jaws hitting the ground. Take that evil.

9) Scarface - “Little Friend” aka M161A with M203 Grenade Launcher

This gun loses a few places on my list because we see it in so many other mediums, but it’s a testament to the film Scarface that people will always relate the gun to this film. And so they bloody well should. Look how many people he takes out with it! A gun is meant to be empowering, it’s meant to make you feel like the man. Such is the power of this gun that in the end he just fucks it off and stands there taking bullets while he screams obscenities at his enemies – how’s that for empowerment!? Yes it might have something to do with the copious amount of coke he has running through his veins but I think given half the chance he would have had no hesitations in shooting at the bad guys while at the same time ramming some poor unfortunate blonde from behind over the bannister.  She would of loved it though. Women love power. And guns.  And cock. Apparently. I wouldn't know.

8) Indiana Jones – Bullwhip

Crack that whip! Ye-ha that’s some good cracking! I nearly left this off the list, but when I think back to my younger days, there were few people cooler than Dr. Jones. And the whip is synonymous with him. This weapon is practical as well. I know, practical really isn’t cool, but when that practicality allows you to swing over gaping crevices, or allows you to pull in women with heaving bosoms then that sounds pretty cool in my book.

7) Eraser – EM-1 Rail Gun with variable magnification X-Ray scope

Serious piece of kit this. Not only do the projectiles it fires moves at the speed of light, not only does it have a scope that means you can see through walls and skin, but it also automatically targets the heart. And not the metaphorical heart either in a bid to demoralise the enemy (although it probably does that too), the actual heart. Need to kill someone at a distance? Then this is probably your best bet. Need to see if anyone has any broken bones? Then use this. But I’d recommend going to the hospital too just to be safe. Take the gun to be extra safe.

6) Predator – Shoulder Cannon

The lazy man’s gun of choice. Yes the Predator looks pretty ripped and agile but he doesn’t have to be with this thing attached to him. If you were to attach this to Stephen Hawking then you’ve got one hell of a dangerous man in a wheel chair. And a creationist’s nightmare. Pushing the image of Stephen Hawking dressed up as the Predator out of my mind, this weapon really is cool. Accompanied with the thermal imaging system imbedded within the Predators helmet and the tripartite laser targeting system,  it’s a formidable piece of kit. Lots of kills with minimal effort? This would be the gun the Fonz chooses. And Stephen Hawking.

5) Kill Bill – Hatori Hanzo blade.

I think the main reason I like this weapon is the mystical nature of it all. The very mention of it to the right person is enough to stop them dead in their tracks in the movies. It wasn’t just a sword that everyman and his dog would have – you had to be someone pretty special to have one. Like the best of the best assassin to have one. Then there is the presentation of it. This isn’t just something you’d ask for in a special shop with a Japanese man handing it to you with a ‘ta-da!’ This took time and effort to create from the master of sword making. Also, the music when you hear when you first witness the swords let you know that if Jesus had to choose a sword, then this would be the type of sword he would choose. And it was rightly seen as priceless. I haven’t even mentioned the kind of damage it can do! Which is plentiful to say the least. This is the coolest of all the cool swords. Sorry Aragorn.

4) Predator 2 - Predator's Disc of pain

I’ve looked and I’ve looked and I’ve looked and I cannot find a video of this online. Anywhere! Which is really not good because out of all the guns on here this is probably the one that has been seen the least. And if I just tell you about it, it doesn’t sound that good. Predator has a disc, he throws it at things, it then cuts through the things, and then it comes back to him. Like a boomerang. And boomerangs aren’t cool, Australians use them. And as we all know Australians are not cool. I’m gonna have to take this one off the list. But I’m leaving the passage in because when you see it in the film it looks so FUCKING cool and probably has the coolest death scene created by any of the weapons on here. Boo.

4) Predator – Ol’ Painless aka modified M134 Minigun

This gun is usually found on the side of helicopters. The creators of this weapon did not mean it to be carried by the mortal hands of men. The creators obviously didn’t count on Jesse Ventura.  The gun had to go through many modifications just so Jesse was able to pick up the damn thing. Then a battery had to be attached for it to spin (the power cable goes down Jesse’s trousers - no jokes please). And then it had to have its fire rate reduced so the camera could pick up the barrels spinning. All this makes you think, “Is it actually worth it?” And I would answer you with, “Yes. Yes it is”

3) Ghostbusters – Proton Pack

In my formative years, up until the age of about 8, this was the weapon that I would run around pretending I had. Then my parents bought me the toy. And I don’t think I actually took it off from that point (bath days were akward, nothing to do with the packs my dad used to dress up as a sailor when he bathed me). No you weren’t going to kill anyone with it (although I’m sure if you fired it at someone they are probably not going to be too happy with you – if they are still capable of that emotion after being shot) but if you had this weapon you would be a Ghostbuster. And there were few occupations to an 8 year old boy that were cooler than that. So much so that this weapon has a place on the list for the eight year old in all of us. But not for all of us in an eight year old boy. Cause that’s just wrong.

2) Aliens – M41A Pulse Rifle (with a bonus mention of the M56 Smartgun).

As a disclaimer: I didn’t want two guns on from the same movie – because the list would get real old real fast. Having to bend that rule for Predator, I did it because the guns were so different – yet these guns occupy kind of the same place. In the end I gave the mantle to the more iconic of the two, the Pulse Rifle. Even though the Smartgun has an automatic targeting system, and arguably the user has to adopt a cooler stance when using it – the Pulse Rifle is a gun for all seasons.  If I am playing laser quest I pretend I have this gun. If I play paintball I pretend I have this gun. If I have to go down the corridor to the toilet at work I pretend I have this gun. The characters who use it, the noise it makes, the damage it deals all culminates in me feeling very excited when I think about it. And no, not the normal “to be enjoyed in front of everyone” excited. It’s so so cool that there was one to buy in a shop that cost £1000 which I nearly bought. Because who needs clothes or food when you have a Pulse Rifle (replica).

1)      Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace/Star Wars: Episode 2 – Attack of the Clones/Star Wars: Episode 3 – Revenge of the Sith/Star Wars: Episode 4 – A New Hope/Star Wars: Episode 5  The Empire Strikes Back/Star Wars: Episode 6 – Return of the Jedi – The Lightsaber.

Was it really going to be anything else? An elegant weapon for a more civilised age - this weapon is not just about the weapon.  Oh no. It’s what the weapon stands for. If you had this, you would be a Jedi Knight – a protector of the galaxy. If someone happened to spy this hanging from your belt they would instantly know you are the shit. Not like a gun where you could be some soldier,  or some scientist, hell you could of even of stolen the thing. With this you were the absolute balls. You had two dicks. The proton pack was my favourite until I was aged 8, because at the age of 8 I watched The Empire Strikes Back for the first time. From that moment I would be hanging off sofas staring at whatever object I was pretending to be my Lightsaber, willing it to fly into my outstretched hand – any Jedi should be able to do that.  I was running around deflecting laser blasts, making the noises and battling the Sith. No that doesn’t sound particularly cool, but the whole reason we find this kind of stuff cool is because it appeals to our imagination. Like I said earlier, these weapons appeal to the kids still inside us, that’s what makes the things cool (did I mention cool?). That’s what makes it cool to me anyway. And it’s a fair reflection on me that my two favourite weapons come from my two favourite films – and my two favourite films are basically glorified kids movies. That’s why I love cinema… It’s probably a good thing I never had one because I probably wouldn’t have any limbs left now, but the £40 I spent on my replica Lightsaber when I went to Toys R Us is probably the best £40 I’ve ever spent. Yep I have no life.

Honourable mentions: Blade’s sword and gun. The Elder Wand (sorry Sarah). Dirty Harry’s Magnum. Army of Darkness’ Boomstick & Chainsaw. Kaneda's laser. Robocop's Auto-9 gun. Terminator's grenade launcher. Casey Jones Hockey Stick (thanks Rimmer). Anton Chigurh's Cattle Gun (thanks Bret). Oddjob's Hat (thanks John), Bear Jew's baseball bat (thanks John again).