Monday
You should really be watching Game of Thrones tonight, but
who am I to judge…
The Omen (1976) Sky Greats 8pm
Exactly what you need after a hard Monday, a horror classic!
Laugh as the spawn of Satan terrorises his adopted family. Chortle as a man
gets impaled through the head. Call Grandma and tell her about the delightful
suicide through hanging you just saw on screen.
Oh the japes…
If you are in a particular macabre mood this eve and are
considering going on a killing rampage tomorrow then this could be the film to
tip you over the edge!*
*DISCLAIMER: Chris Malin cannot be held accountable for any
murderous rampages anyone goes on after reading this article. It was meant purely
in jest and should be treated accordingly. If indeed you are having ‘impure’
thoughts then please contact a help group, a family member, or even the authorities.
Chris however will accept donations you place in your will for him.
The Royal Tennenbaums (2001) Sky Select 8pm
You may want to kill yourself after watching this Wes
Anderson film, but, for very different reasons to the ones stated in the
previous recommendation….
1. You love Wes Anderson. You also love quoting Nietzsche,
listening to Morrisey and walking in the rain by yourself.
2. You despair at the state of society, the members
of said society and the futility of all life’s goal and ambitions as they are
based on an illusion of freedom and individual values implanted subliminally
through involuntary indoctrination.
3. Vis-à-vis…
what’s the point of carrying on this charade… die young and leave a good looking
corpse no?*
For those who just want to watch a good film then you could
do a lot worse than this though. As mentioned previously it is brought to you
by Wes Anderson (friend of the hipsters) and it concerns an estranged family in
all their Anderson-esque eccentricity. It stars Ben Stiller, Gene Hackman, Owen
Wilson, Luke Wilson and Wes’ best friend (and let’s be honest if you knew him
as well you’d want him to be your best friend) Bill Murray. If you like quirky,
subtle, yet funny films then here you go.
*DISCLAIMER: Chris Malin cannot be held accountable for any
suicides that occur after a person has read this article. It was meant purely
in jest and should be treating accordingly. If indeed you are having suicidal
thoughts then please contact a help group, a family member, the authorities, or
simply just go outside when it’s sunny. You know, walk around – trip to the
park maybe? Ice cream? I like Twisters I do. Put It’s a Wonderful life on or something, that always
cheers me up. Make sure you watch it to the end though ‘cause it gets a bit
rocky for a bit and may actually help increase the suicidal thoughts. Hmmm,
probably best you don’t watch that actually. Disney perhaps? Stick Lion King on…
No, sorry, I’m being stupid - Mufassa dying, that won’t help. Erm… ET? Oh
forget it.
Remember Me (2010) FILM4 9pm
Oh dear...Extract from my TV Guide:
“Two troubled souls find peace with one another until the
forces that brought them together pull them apart again”
Accompanied with the fact that it stars Robert Pattinson means
you should just get the razor blades ready now.*
*DISCLAIMER: Chris Malin cannot be held accountable for any
suicides that occur after a person has read this article. It was meant purely
in jest and should be treating accordingly. If indeed you are having suicidal
thoughts then please contact a help group, a family member or the authorities…
certainly don’t use a razor blade either… If I had to go I would want toooooooo…
Jump off a building! A really high one! No pain or anything, plus imagine the
rush from freefalling, a last bit of freedom before ending it all! But deffo not
razor blades. Or pills*
*DISCLAIMER OF DISCLAIMER: Chris Malin does not advocate the
use of razor blades, pills, jumping off buildings, or any forms of suicide. It
was meant in jest and should be treating accordingly etc etc
The Bourne Supremacy (2004) ITV2 10.30pm
Why helloooo Mr Damon!!*
*DISCLAIMER: Chris Malin is straight.
Tuesday
I'm in a rush today, but honestly it's a crap night anyway.
The Artist (2011) Sky Select 8.15pm
Have you watched it? HAVE YOU?!?! You make me sick. Well tonight isn't exactly crawling with quality so what have you got to lose with this lovely silent movie about a silent film star who struggles with the transition into films with sound. Look, I know it sounds crap, and you know it sounds crap...(stay with me I'm going somewhere with this) BUT...it really isn't crap. In fact its really really.... good! (Yeah that will do) It cleaned up at the Oscars (and just about every award show going), every review pretty much gave it full marks, and most importantly of all.... I like it! So there you go... just watch it.
American Pie (1999) Sky Comedy 8pm
I did a pretty good write up for this film for 10 Things I Hate About You, but I will give you the gist of it here. Yes it's a gross out comedy, BUT it bought the gross out teen movie to a whole new generation of...erm...teens. Despite it's reliance on the obscene it is remarkably charming, thanks in no small part to the characters we can relate to played by actors you could imagine being friends with i.e. not the usual 25 year old 'teenagers' with impeccable skin, abs and other annoying stuff that usually makes it way into supposed teen films. Time to relive a classic....
The Matrix (1999) TCM 9pm
I reviewed this last week, but it's crap night so here you go... we both know it's good and yeah, here if you need it.
Blue Valentine (2010) FILM4 11.20pm
Again, recommended this last week yada yada but what we have here is an incredibly depressing (yet well made) film chronicling the start and end of a relationship between Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams.
Avengers Assemble (2012) Sky Action 8pm
Look I'm sorry ok, every night can't be good.
Dunston Checks In (1996) Sky Family 10.10pm
You've fallen out with me haven't you?
Sudden Death (1995) ITV4
Look every night can't be good.
The Matrix Reloaded (2003) 5* 9pm
It'll get better I promise.
Legally Blonde (2001) SONY TV 9pm
Free blowy?
Tuesday
I'm in a rush today, but honestly it's a crap night anyway.
The Artist (2011) Sky Select 8.15pm
Have you watched it? HAVE YOU?!?! You make me sick. Well tonight isn't exactly crawling with quality so what have you got to lose with this lovely silent movie about a silent film star who struggles with the transition into films with sound. Look, I know it sounds crap, and you know it sounds crap...(stay with me I'm going somewhere with this) BUT...it really isn't crap. In fact its really really.... good! (Yeah that will do) It cleaned up at the Oscars (and just about every award show going), every review pretty much gave it full marks, and most importantly of all.... I like it! So there you go... just watch it.
American Pie (1999) Sky Comedy 8pm
I did a pretty good write up for this film for 10 Things I Hate About You, but I will give you the gist of it here. Yes it's a gross out comedy, BUT it bought the gross out teen movie to a whole new generation of...erm...teens. Despite it's reliance on the obscene it is remarkably charming, thanks in no small part to the characters we can relate to played by actors you could imagine being friends with i.e. not the usual 25 year old 'teenagers' with impeccable skin, abs and other annoying stuff that usually makes it way into supposed teen films. Time to relive a classic....
The Matrix (1999) TCM 9pm
I reviewed this last week, but it's crap night so here you go... we both know it's good and yeah, here if you need it.
Blue Valentine (2010) FILM4 11.20pm
Again, recommended this last week yada yada but what we have here is an incredibly depressing (yet well made) film chronicling the start and end of a relationship between Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams.
Avengers Assemble (2012) Sky Action 8pm
Look I'm sorry ok, every night can't be good.
Dunston Checks In (1996) Sky Family 10.10pm
You've fallen out with me haven't you?
Sudden Death (1995) ITV4
Look every night can't be good.
The Matrix Reloaded (2003) 5* 9pm
It'll get better I promise.
Legally Blonde (2001) SONY TV 9pm
Free blowy?
Wednesday
Football is on, and I’ve had a couple of pints (lad), yet I
have a commitment… a duty if you will, to inform people of decent movies on, so
here we are. Just me and you… I’ll get started then.
Tropic Thunder (2008) BBC3 10pm
This film really disappointed me. So why am I recommending
it? Well let’s start with why I’m disappointed first. It stars Ben Stiller, Jack
Black, Robert Downey Jr., Matthew McConaughey (replacing Owen Wilson after he
went…erm…mental), Steve Coogan (supposedly the reason why Owen Wilson went
mental), and Tom Cruise. The potential therefore was HUGE (capitals necessary).
The trailer was good… everything was shaping up for it to be immense. Then a
little film called The Pineapple Express totally overshadowed it. Bugger. Time
though has been (relatively) kind to it – as is sometimes the case with some
comedies, it took me a while to warm to it a la The Other Guys and Anchorman.
While it doesn’t quite hit the upper echelons that those films did, it
certainly has its charms which become more evident on repeat viewing. The film
concerns a Vietnam film production with some problematic film stars that doesn’t
go smoothly at all. The director then decides the best way to remedy this is to
film the troublesome movie by throwing the actors into the jungle, have them
stay in character and have hidden cameras pick up all the method acting. Low
and behold the director dies and the actors get placed right next to some
rather aggressive guerrillas and all hell breaks loose. Production values are high, and to be fair, so
is the quality of performances, which leads you to expect big things – just doesn’t
quite deliver though unfortunately. Still very fun, and without the weight of
expectation is a very decent film. Hence the recommendation. So now you know.
Thank You for Smoking (2005) CH4 1.50am
If you like satirical comedy (hopefully you do), and you
like Jason Reitman (and hopefully you do as well after Up in the Air, Juno, and
Young Adult) then you should really set your recorders for this… I say with a
lot of confidence, yet, I haven’t actually watched it (boo hiss), but I’ll be
setting my recorder for it as well because I’ve been looking forward to this
for a while. The film concerns a spin doctor for a tobacco company (Aaron
Eckhart aka Harvey Dent) trying to protect his beloved employer while all the
while trying to stay a role model for his 12 year old son. It’s got really good
reviews and I for one am really looking forward to it. Here’s EmpireOnline:
Right footballs on, so a couple of quick ones in case you
need more…
Wanted (2008) ITV2 10pm
Decent action film that thinks it is cleverer than it is but
is still a good watch.
Se7en (1995) Sky Select 10pm
Modern day horror classic.
Thursday
What a crap, crap, crap week.
Is there a negative correlation between decent weather and
decent movies? It appears so.
Anyway...
Moneyball (2011) Sky Select 8pm
Just watch it
Breakdown (1997) TCM 8pm
Or this.
Cast Away (2000) Sky Greats 8pm
Ohhh I haven’t seen this in a while.
Oh actually…. Hello….
Eddie Murphy: Raw (1987) Sky Comedy 1.30am
Remember when Eddie Murphy used to be funny? No neither do I…
that’s why I need regular viewings of this to remind me. Back in the day, Eddie
was a God…A God I tells ya! Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to fuck him.
He was cool, he was sexy, he was dangerous… the man had it all. Which might
explain why he went a bit bonkers… but regardless… The year is 1987, and the 80’s
have been an exciting time for comedy. People stopped giving a shit. People
wanted to be edgy, mix things up a bit. The likes of Eddie, himself inspired by
Richard Prior sort to mess with the establishment – laugh at things people hadn’t
been laughing at before. Was he always right? Helllll no! Eddie came in for a
lot of criticism, particularly from homosexuals and people who didn’t want to
see homosexuals marginalised. So occasionally watching his old material can
make you wince a bit, but you won’t care that much cause you’ll be laughing so
hard for the rest of it. Comedy is about pushing the barriers sometimes. It doesn’t
always get it right, but what it can do is put things into society’s focus that
perhaps had been ignored before. Just like war used to push advancements in
medical science.
Friday
Finally! A semi (tee hee) decent night! Huzah!
Airplane! (1980) FILM4 9pm
I’m not going to lie; I’m crawling over the finish line this
week. I do this blog to get excited about films so I can get you excited about
films and… well it’s been hard this week. Now the first film I’m recommending
you tonight is by no means new to a lot of you, but I haven’t seen it on TV in
a while and it has a legitimate claim to be the funniest film of all time, so
here we go. The former dream team of Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker (or ZAZ if you’re
in the know) show how comedy is done. Fleeting effortlessly between spoof,
satire and slapstick it really is a work of genius on oh-so-many levels. What’s
even more remarkable is that every one of the 100 gags that is on film was in
the script – no improvising here, all of it meticulously planned (take that
Apatow). For those unfamiliar with the script the film follows a man called Ted
confront his fear of flying by helping to land a doomed plane. Yes there is a
lot more to it than that, but you don’t need to know… just bask in the genius
of Lloyd Bridges and Leslie Nielsen, both previously serious actors who take to
comedy like the proverbial ducks to hoi-sin sauce.
MacGruber (2010) Film4 10.45pm
Curious one this – I pretty much ignored it on its original
release cause Empire only gave it 2/5, but since then I have heard several good
things about it from several very credible sources. So I have bided my time, and now I get to see
– was Empire indeed wrong about this film? As much as I respect Empire I do
disagree with them from time to time – They gave Taken 1/5. They gave Spring
Breakers 4/5. It’s just 9/10 they’re pretty much on the money so I’ll forgive
them. The film follows Will Forte, a retired spy brought back into action when
a super villain (Val Kilmer) steals an atomic bomb. I’ll be giving this a
chance so I suggest you do to… that is if you haven’t already and I look like
an arrogant prick for assuming you haven’t watched it because I haven’t. Perish
the thought!
Shawshank Redemption (1994) ITV2 9pm
&
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008) ITV 10.35pm
These two films have probably never been grouped together
before in the history of mankind, but here we are…. It’s Friday night and
sometimes you just want to throw on a good film that you know and love and just
want something to chill out to. Yes these films are both wildly different but
they have the same quality in that everyone loves them and they can be like a
warm blanket at the end of a tough week. Ah bless.
Have a good weekend everyone.
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