Good Lord it’s cold! That wouldn’t bother me so much it’s
just that Mother Nature is a bit of a cock tease. She gives you a glimpse of
summer when she flashes some skirt, and you think you’re in there. Your
trousers are tight and the newly erupted bulge in your nether regions upon
seeing a bit of leg is causing them to go tighter – John Travolta has nothing
on you. You are the man. You approach full of confidence, your mind is even
getting ahead of itself planning trips here and there, perhaps even the odd ice
cream – oh you devil. Just as you approach to let out your best line that would
make Hugh Hefner giddy at the knee, she throws a glass of ice over you and then
starts spitting on you while making wind gushing noises. We’ve all been there.
Fuck off Mother Nature, I ain’t buying your lies again.
Oh who am I kidding; I’ll do the same next year.
Here are your choices for the week.
Monday
Right, I’m going to do it, I’m going to finally watch Ghost.
I can’t ignore it any longer. As a film fan I cannot be prejudiced towards any
kind of film. So come on then Pat, Demi and Whoopi, collectively your names sound
like the Danish version of Teletubbies, but here we go.
Chronicle (2012) Sky Premier 8pm
You have to watch this at some point this week and seeing as
it is on every night you have no excuse really. A very impressive film,
especially given the lack of budget, hype and other contributing factors that
often lead to a film’s ascendancy, this film follows three lads who stumble
across super powers. You can probably guess where the films going – with great
power comes great responsibility – and that falls on deaf ears to one of the bunch
who then goes all Tetsuo on everyone. Good film that will keep you entertained.
High Plains Drifter (1973) Sky Classics 10pm
At the very start of my blogging career I noted that
westerns were something that I didn’t know that much about. I also noted I was
a bit of a cunt in remarkably frank/inappropriate opening article. Out of the
two things I could have addressed I have decided (in my infinite wisdom) that I
should probably deal with the lack of western knowledge first and the ‘cunt’
issue second. Apologies for anyone who knows me – this was by far the easier
and more enjoyable choice – which probably gives a telling insight into why I
am a cunt. Further inappropriate ramblings aside, here is Clint Eastwood doing
what he does best – being a mysterious stranger who has no aversion to shooting
other people. Enjoy.
The Client (1994) FILM4 9pm
Who likes John Grisham courtroom dramas? Anyone? Helloooo?
Well, guess it’s just my Dad as I haven’t watched this either. Seeing as my Dad
isn’t available to write any recommendations (or offer me love and/or
acceptance) I must concede power to the ever reliable bastion of knowledge that
is EmpireOnline. But before then, just to give you a run down - the film follows two young lads witness a very
gruesome suicide. Just before the poor chap decides to end his own life, he has
the good sense to bestow upon the lads some incriminating information for some mob
connections he has. These mob folk (amongst others) get wind of the lad’s new
information and thus decide to go after them. I will be watching because the
premise does sound interesting and it has got some good reviews. Like this one
for example:
The Fifth Element (1997) 9pm 5*
“Korbennnnn Dallassssssss”, I take it the majority of you
are familiar with this film. If by some small chance you are not, then this
film is a priority for you. Firstly it has Bruce Willis in it and Gary Oldman
as a bad guy. That should really be enough for you, but if it isn’t it follows
Brucey Baby protecting this alien god like creature (in the form of Mila
Jovovich) from Hans Gruber’s grubby mitts, all set against the backdrop of
(seemingly) Jean Paul Gautier’s version of Blade Runner (way more colourful and
camp). Great action, some funny moments and it’s gorgeous to watch - brilliant
cinema
Tuesday
Well, there’s really not too much on tonight that a) I haven’t
already recommended or b) have recently recommended. In response to this
predicament I have done a slightly unconventional recommendation list for tonight.
Why? Well perhaps because I am innovative… or more likely I’m just too lazy.
You decide
Are you in the mood for some brainless action?
Unleashed (2005) 10pm ITV4 or The Transporter (2002) 9pm
5USA
Two choices of who can deliver your “wham”, “bams” and “wallops”
here – do you want England’s very own master of movie spinning kicks, Kelly
Brook’s ex, Jason Statham. Or one of China’s finest exports, Mr Personality
himself, Jet Li. If you want decent action you can’t go wrong with either, just
don’t go expecting a plot that would keep Kyrpton Factor contestants up at
night. Or anyone for that matter.
Are you in the mood for some not so brainless action?
First Blood (1982) Sky Action 1opm
Unlike the aforementioned films, this is a classic of the
genre. Why? Cause it does have some brains behind the brutal action. Sly
Stallone gives a great performance as the Vietnam Vet haunted by his past as he
falls victim to unjust imprisonment at the hands of a small minded small town. He then takes it upon himself to fight back.
Good on you, John.
Are you perhaps in the mood for some horror/thriller/Brad
Pitt goodness?
Se7en (1995) Sky Modern Greats 9pm
Regular readers will know how fond I am of this film – I consider
it perfect in fact. So do yourself a favour if you haven’t watched it, and, erm…
watch it. See? Seamless. On to the next one!
Are you in the mood for a really great film that hasn’t aged
one bit and is rightly considered a classic?
The Sting (1973) Sky Classics 8pm
Robert Redford and Paul Newman provide one movie’s great
partnerships as they star as two conmen swindling a mobster. Pure joy.
Are you in the mood for a really good indie flick which is
mildly disturbing?
Martha Marcy May Marlene (2011) Sky Indie 10pm
Elizabeth Olsen emerges from the shadows of her older twin
sisters to finally capture the limelight she so readily deserves – well if her
performance in this is anything to go by anyway. Lizzy Olsen escapes an abusive
cult to finally reunite with her family, but she finds letting go of the past
harder than she imagined. Excellent film and well worth your time.
Are you in the mood for something to watch with the kids?
Hugo (2011) Sky Family 8pm
Sweet tale from Martin Scorsese about a young orphan trying
to reconstruct a robot made by his late father. It’s a gorgeous film that will
make you feel warm and tingly inside. The good warm and tingly, not the Dilshad
warm and tingly.
Or
Shrek 2 (2004) Sky Modern Greats 7.15pm
Classic Dreamworks animation about everyone’s favourite
ogre.
Are you in the mood to watch something that will make you
want to claw your eyes out and replace the gaping wounds with sulphuric acid?
The 41 Year old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and
Felt Superbad about it (2010) Sky Comedy 11.50pm
No, just…no.
Are you in the mood to watch a great rom-com/Emma Stone/
some amazing abs/a guy look amazingly smooth in a suit?
Crazy Stupid Love (2011) Sky Comedy 8pm
I’ve wrote enough about this film that regularly makes me
question my own sexuality. Of course I’ll end up watching it. Ryan so smooth.
Tuesday
Superbad (2007) 9pm 5*
Right, there you go, you know it’s on. But perhaps you’d
like to try something different? Let’s say…
Oh who am I kidding, of course you’re going to watch Mclovin
and co, but I’ll try anyway.
Take Shelter (2011) Sky Indie 11.50pm
Well this is what I’ll be recording tonight. EmpireOnline
simply describes this eerie drama as ‘terrific’, so you know it’s probably
gonna be good. The film follows Michael
Shannon (who will soon be the focus of the limelight as he is playing General
Zod in the new Superman film due out later this year) and his family as some
strangeeee goings on happen. Michael plays Curtis, and when Curtis witnesses
these strange goings on he becomes more and more paranoid and decides to act
accordingly – much to the dismay of his family. I’m really interested to see
what this is going to be like…
The Birds (1963) Sky Classics 9pm
You know how I often criticise people for not watching
movies they should have? They know a film is good they just simply choose to ‘watch
it later’. Well chalk me up as a big fucking hypocrite because, ladies and
gentlemen, I have not watched Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. Awful. Basically
some birds decide to attack the residents of a small coastal town for no
apparent reason, and all hell breaks loose. I really am embarrassed I’ve never
watched this film, and as usual for films I haven’t watched I have to post a
review – even though you and I both know it is a classic.
Oh, it hasn’t got 5*’s… well blow me down! That’s still no excuse;
I still have to watch it.
PS I Love You (2007) FILM4 9pm
And to complete a hat trick of films I have not watched
tonight, here we have this… which I would usually not give the time of day
except it has been recommended to me countless times. If, like me, you are
unfamiliar with it, the plot follows a perfect couple torn apart when the
husband dies – however he leaves a series of letters to help his dear wife move
on after his early demise. So, as I can’t be snobby to any type of film, here
we are… I will be watching this tonight. Fuck sake. It better be good Butler.
Thursday
There Will be Blood (2007) BBC2 11.20pm
Daniel Day-Lewis gives a master class in acting with this
tale of a man trading his humanity (although it’s arguable if he had any in the
first place) for untold riches during the great oil rush of the early 1900’s.
The direction from Paul Thomas Anderson is perfect, the cinematography from
Roger Elswit is exquisite, and the soundtrack from Radiohead’s Johnny Greenwood
is ingenious – this truly is a modern great, albeit not an easy watch.
Friday
Fight Club (1999) Channel4 11.20pm
Following on from the last modern great is another one – it’s
quite astonishing to realise that upon this film’s release it was not hailed as
a masterpiece, far from it. Clearly the world wasn’t quite ready for the uber
violence mixed with poignant satirical critique of modern society, both being
equally hard to stomach. For the unfamiliar, Ed Norton is going through life on
auto pilot, anaesthetized to the world around him. This all changes when Brad
Pitt comes rolling on to the scene as Tyler Durden – the ultimate personification
of machismo grace. Through Tyler, Ed discovers what is important in life, namely the
Nihilistic destruction of the human fabric dictated by society – which just so
happens to include lots of fighting. Arguably my favourite director David
Fincher directs this amazing film that will leave you feeling about as close
you can be to being gobsmacked without it literally happening – although you’ll
have a fair idea of how that will feel in some of the films more visceral
moments.
Training Day (2001) FILM4 10pm
It’s Friday, you want something that is an easy watch, yet
is undeniably awesome at the same time – here you go. Yes it’s the easy option
to recommend this, especially as most of you have seen it, but I don’t care. If
this comes on at the best of times I’m probably gonna end up watch it. Ethan
Hawke is the new rookie on the beat in LA taken under the tutelage of living
legend Alonzo Harris, played by Denzel Washington. The real crux of this film
is seeing why Alonzo is a living legend and seeing what exactly – and the
consequences that might entail. Denzel rightly got an Oscar for this film and
in doing so created a lot of peoples favourite movie – great cinema.
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