Why hello there, how are you? My name is Christopher. I know, what a lovely name, but I'm sure you are not here to discuss the merits of various names and what not. You are either here out of morbid curiosity or pity. Possibly both.
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| Me with the Delorean... Get it? Because I like film? |
And this is the first entry of (hopefully) many blogs. In this one I wanted to give you a little insight into my character so you'll have a bit of an insight into the way I write and what type of person I am - it will probably help us get off on the wrong foot, but if you don't like it, it's probably too intelligent for you, and if you do like it you are very intelligent. And beautiful.
So, to (at least) try and get us off on the right foot...
Why I'm a cunt.
When I wake up in the morning I go to four websites: The fourth one I go to is www.bbc.co.uk, the third one is www.football365.com, and the first & second ones I go to are www.empireonline.com & www.aintitcool.com (respectively). This will happen every morning and will also happen several times throughout the day. I am terrified of missing out on the latest news. I do not know why exactly, but what this means is that I know a lot about film. If I had to rate myself on knowledge of film, I'd give myself a 7.
7's pretty good. I don't know that much about westerns, I don't know that much about grindhouse and I don't know too much about German expressionism (although my current interest in noir is helping to remedy that), even so, I'm well above average (10 being Tarantino and 1 being my nan).
I also like people to know what I know and that I know. I like to inform people of the latest trailers and the latest news using my Facebook feed. Which is pretty limited admittedly, but hey you gotta start somewhere. Many of my friends have mentioned I should report film news on a wider scale. I presumed this is because
a) I know my shit
&
b) I like to tell people about the shit
&
c) I know what shit will be entertaining or how to present in an interesting/entertaining manner
"A bit of recognition" I thought. "Maybe they are right", I mused. "Maybe they fancy the shit out of me", I hoped (for the girls who recommended me that is. Deffo. Although my mate Whitlock has been looking particularly good of late...).
Suppressed homosexuality aside I took note of what they are saying. It made sense to me; often I'd have conversations like this:
(CHRIS is walking down a street road on a sunny day when he is met by GRATEFUL FRIEND)
Grateful Friend: Hey Chris!
Chris: What is up.
Grateful Friend: Chris you know your movies - The Hobbit, it's two films right?
Chris: (sly grin) Ah, it was. However, Peter Jackson is now so confident in the material he has, he has now confirmed that he is able to make a new Middle Earth trilogy.
Grateful Friend: Gee whiz, thanks Chris. That cleared up a potential pickle. I sure am lucky to have a friend like you.
Chris: My pleasure.
(Chris carries on walking down the street, complete with spring in step. Such is his confidence and high level of ability he could fly down the street if he wanted to - but he chooses not too).
This kind of scene has happened on numerous occasions. Film is my thing. To the group I was an asset. The information I possessed about the filming world was valuable to them. Then an incident happened - like a smelling salt, it woke me up.
Reality Bites.
Woah momma was Safe House a bad film. Not like the worst film ever, but I had such a high expectation for that film. Denzel, Ryan, decent trailer… Seeing that pile of predictable shit really stung (although surely seeing a pile of unpredictable shit would be worse… “where did it come from? What’s it doing in my lounge?”).
Poor metaphors aside, I was vastly unimpressed. Oh and a mental note for aspiring directors - simply stating a gun fight in a script doesn't make the aforementioned gun fight automatically awesome. Neither do guns automatically make a chase scene more interesting. Something has to be at stake! But don’t worry, a lot of films make that mistake (Matrix Reloaded I’m looking at you). Basically I was not impressed in the cinema. I was on my phone a lot towards the end. I’d laugh at several moments that were amusingly bad. Basically, anyone watching me could tell I’d rather be anywhere else then in the cinema watching it.
The ending of the film came and I was so excited to get out and bad mouth the film I ran out of the cinema. Awaiting my friends outside like an expectant dog wagging its tail I saw my friend Daniel and scurried on over.
Me: “How bad was that?”
Daniel: “You’re a cunt”
Oh.
Not quite the reception I had been anticipating, but one that in hindsight I probably deserved. You see, with great power comes great responsibility… And also when watching a film with other people, don’t be a selfish twat.
It turns out my displeasure at the film was quite audible. Huffing here, looking at my phone there. Films are subjective beasts; one man’s treasure is another man’s trash. I’m sure some people do enjoy Safe House (poor buggers), but anyone that was in my vicinity didn’t stand a chance of liking it. The only feeling they probably were capable of was hating me. I mean, Avatar is the most successful film of all time and I don’t particularly like it - Does that mean they are all wrong and I am right? Probably, but I don’t know that for sure…
You see, people go the movies to escape reality and to be entertained. When I continually rip people out of that experience with choice comments (be it positive or negative) I was never going to get a polite exchange of words with my counterpart at the end. Of course this annoying behaviour I exhibited (see the above example) is not synonymous with being a film fan…. It’s just I’m an arrogant cunt.
Maybe
the arrogance was a result of me thinking that I knew more than everyone
else. I thought it allowed me to enjoy
things on more levels than they were capable of. I know, I know, it sounds awful, but I’m
trying to be honest here! Admitting you have a problem is the first step to
dealing with said problem. As previously
mentioned, the interruptions I provided were not limited to when I was
displeased either, oh no. If I felt like there was an interesting fact that
should be known at a point during the film, I wouldn’t hesitate in letting them
know. It would have the same result as well… drag someone kicking and screaming
from their hard earned cerebral experience
I think
when you remind someone they are watching a movie by revealing facts about its
production it is the equivalent of telling someone how a magic trick works.
When you know how a magic trick works that trick then loses its appeal. I am
the annoying uncle ruining the fun for the rest of the family when they are all
enjoying David Blaine. I’m the prick who let’s everyone know David still has
one foot on the ground and it’s filmed with a fake audience. The one who sits
there with a sly smile while everyone wishes he would spontaneously combust.
The one they try to hide family barbeques from. Me.So in a bid to get invited to more family do’s and not have friends dive in front of traffic when they see me walking down the street in order to avoid looking into my godless eyes, I am creating this blog. It will be like an outlet for me so I don't have to keep pestering everyone. It will be here if you want it, to tell you about the latest news, underrated gems and latest reviews – all with my irreverent style (or lack thereof). It is my gift to my friends, so they don’t hate me (as much) anymore – a gift not of information, but as a trophy of admittance and realisation. Admittance and realisation of me being a cunt when it comes to film and that I want to change. Me no want to be cunt anymore!
Did I mention acceptance issues?
Enjoy. Oh, and I'm sorry.
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